I can’t really believe that I am going to do this…………..I can talk to a computer screen I guess, but not real people, lol……
Last week when I gave my testimony to the women at the prison, I highlighted different points that I thought they might be able to relate to, etc….shared a small portion of what it felt like the day that my mom moved out of our home. I explained that even though she and I were never close in that whole weird family dynamic in which we operated, that I was broken as she left me standing there without putting up the slightest fight.
Unknowingly, I have been feeling that same way as of late. It is a bit unrecognizable to me, as I try to put those emotions aside. They seem to manifest themselves as anxiety, frustration, etc…..BUT, I am pretty sure that this is what is going on………
My mother in law’s home is going to be vacant and ready for renting within the next few days/weeks. This has placed an enormous pressure on me. Who is going to do all of the work that needs done? Who is going to lose sleep over the worries of finances, etc….Who is going to fight with Mackey about needing these issues addressed? See where this is going? It has ALL fallen on me.
As a local friend of mine would say, I am doing WAY more than any normal person would do. Youd don’t have to do this/that/the other, etc…she would say. Welp, I have thought about this and realized that I am approaching this “project” the same way that I dealt with the selling of our last home……
If they don’t like it they won’t buy it…..If I don’t get this pefect, they won’t buy it…..If I don’t paint this/redo that, etc….they won’t want it…..Do you see a pattern in this posting?? (besides the obvious I syndrome that I suffer from)
I have found that I take it personally. It drove my realtor insane when I was in the process of selling our home. She would tell me to just let her handle it and let her do her job. But, I couldn’t do that. I had to stage the home, present it in PERFECT condition EVERY time I got a call to view, etc….it made me SICK, just sick all those months. The same thing has happened now, I am completely in panic mode, “What if, What if”……….
I realize that the problem isn’t what if they don’t like the color on the walls, etc…..it has JUST dawned on me that what it is that I am fearing is the rejection. I fear that if they don’t want to rent the HUMBLE home, then that is a reflection of me, it is my shortcoming. The truth is this, it is what it is….a small, old house that is reasonably priced for someone that is in the right position to utilize it for this stage in their life. SIMPLE isn’t it??
WOW, where did all this come from?? I mean, I was just feeling overloaded….I didn’t mean to find “MEANING” from this…..REALLY, who goes SO far overboard EVERYTHING they do because they are unknowingly reverting back to that lil’ girl that nobody wanted? I can see myself standing in front of my neighbor’s house thinking, why won’t they take me…..I see the day in my mind that I asked my “father figure” if I could stay with him and his wife….I can hear my youth director climbing my case because the “setup” he had me in didn’t go as planned and to his standard….I can see myself sitting at Denny’s all night because I had nowhere to go….I have several more moments that I could recite to you, but the point is……unknowingly, I have been playing out that fear and emotion in other areas of my life.
Seems all that I do, I fear it won’t be good enough. I am not that girl that seeks to please you because I want credit, etc….but because, I want to know that you approve of what I have done, that it was good enough…….I never seem to get away from that feeling that a small child has when he/she has just completed the task that mom has given them to do…they can’t wait to show her, can’t wait to hear those words of encouragement and affirmation as to her love and admiration of the effort, no matter the result.
How does this particular posting end?? I am not sure that this one does…I think that this one doesn’t have resolution. I think it is a work in progress, maybe there is never victory over this plague of rejection…maybe there is? I don’t know at this moment…..I just know this very thing, I am exhausted mentally and lacking spiritually. Again, I wasn’t looking for this “posting” to come my way, I wasn’t outside rubbing the kids play tree for the use of being my muse, lol…….I was just BUSY minding my own business when “IT” dawned on me that I was afraid of being rejected.
THAT aside, I really need this dern house to rent, lol…….I know that God can, if He so chooses, send the right person to rent it. I had it rented to a couple that wasn’t married. YEP, I just said it…I was SO over this junk, that I almost compromised what I know to be a sin. HOW stupid was that??? I tried to justify it, tried to say it wasn’t my business, etc…but I couldn’t get away from it. It was almost as if God just stood back and watched to see how long I was going to consider such. He had almost removed His hand of conviction if that makes sense. He was going to allow me to do the wrong thing. Then, I would have been in hot water. He knows who we need and when we need them……..I know that the whole renting the house thing has nothing to do with my testimony, etc…nothing to do with any sort of encouragement for people to heal from their adversities, etc….BUT, it does show that, although many years later, that same neglected lil’ girl resurfaces every now and then….she’s there I guess as a permanent part of who I am. I don’t allow her to purposely control my life, but I am probably better off to recognize that she does exsist.
The goal now would be to learn how to work with? around? avoid? overlook? I don’t know……maybe I sound like one of those weird split personality people……WOW, I have begun to scare even myself. If you see me with one of those scary Chukky dolls………….RUN 🙂