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#17 ain’t gotta title……… April 23, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — mackeymoore6 @ 2:33 am

I can’t really believe that I am going to do this…………..I can talk to a computer screen I guess, but not real people, lol……

Last week when I gave my testimony to the women at the prison, I highlighted different points that I thought they might be able to relate to, etc….shared a small portion of what it felt like the day that my mom moved out of our home. I explained that even though she and I were never close in that whole weird family dynamic in which we operated, that I was broken as she left me standing there without putting up the slightest fight.

Unknowingly, I have been feeling that same way as of late. It is a bit unrecognizable to me, as I try to put those emotions aside. They seem to manifest themselves as anxiety, frustration, etc…..BUT, I am pretty sure that this is what is going on………

My mother in law’s home is going to be vacant and ready for renting within the next few days/weeks. This has placed an enormous pressure on me. Who is going to do all of the work that needs done? Who is going to lose sleep over the worries of finances, etc….Who is going to fight with Mackey about needing these issues addressed? See where this is going? It has ALL fallen on me.

As a local friend of mine would say, I am doing WAY more than any normal person would do. Youd don’t have to do this/that/the other, etc…she would say. Welp, I have thought about this and realized that I am approaching this “project” the same way that I dealt with the selling of our last home……

If they don’t like it they won’t buy it…..If I don’t get this pefect, they won’t buy it…..If I don’t paint this/redo that, etc….they won’t want it…..Do you see a pattern in this posting?? (besides the obvious I syndrome that I suffer from)

I have found that I take it personally. It drove my realtor insane when I was in the process of selling our home. She would tell me to just let her handle it and let her do her job. But, I couldn’t do that. I had to stage the home, present it in PERFECT condition EVERY time I got a call to view, etc….it made me SICK, just sick all those months. The same thing has happened now, I am completely in panic mode, “What if, What if”……….

I realize that the problem isn’t what if they don’t like the color on the walls, etc… has JUST dawned on me that what it is that I am fearing is the rejection. I fear that if they don’t want to rent the HUMBLE home, then that is a reflection of me, it is my shortcoming. The truth is this, it is what it is….a small, old house that is reasonably priced for someone that is in the right position to utilize it for this stage in their life. SIMPLE isn’t it??

WOW, where did all this come from?? I mean, I was just feeling overloaded….I didn’t mean to find “MEANING” from this…..REALLY, who goes SO far overboard EVERYTHING they do because they are unknowingly reverting back to that lil’ girl that nobody wanted? I can see myself standing in front of my neighbor’s house thinking, why won’t they take me…..I see the day in my mind that I asked my “father figure” if I could stay with him and his wife….I can hear my youth director climbing my case because the “setup” he had me in didn’t go as planned and to his standard….I can see myself sitting at Denny’s all night because I had nowhere to go….I have several more moments that I could recite to you, but the point is……unknowingly, I have been playing out that fear and emotion in other areas of my life.

Seems all that I do, I fear it won’t be good enough. I am not that girl that seeks to please you because I want credit, etc….but because, I want to know that you approve of what I have done, that it was good enough…….I never seem to get away from that feeling that a small child has when he/she has just completed the task that mom has given them to do…they can’t wait to show her, can’t wait to hear those words of encouragement and affirmation as to her love and admiration of the effort, no matter the result.

How does this particular posting end?? I am not sure that this one does…I think that this one doesn’t have resolution. I think it is a work in progress, maybe there is never victory over this plague of rejection…maybe there is? I don’t know at this moment…..I just know this very thing, I am exhausted mentally and lacking spiritually. Again, I wasn’t looking for this “posting” to come my way, I wasn’t outside rubbing the kids play tree for the use of being my muse, lol…….I was just BUSY minding my own business when “IT” dawned on me that I was afraid of being rejected.

THAT aside, I really need this dern house to rent, lol…….I know that God can, if He so chooses, send the right person to rent it. I had it rented to a couple that wasn’t married. YEP, I just said it…I was SO over this junk, that I almost compromised what I know to be a sin. HOW stupid was that??? I tried to justify it, tried to say it wasn’t my business, etc…but I couldn’t get away from it. It was almost as if God just stood back and watched to see how long I was going to consider such. He had almost removed His hand of conviction if that makes sense. He was going to allow me to do the wrong thing. Then, I would have been in hot water. He knows who we need and when we need them……..I know that the whole renting the house thing has nothing to do with my testimony, etc…nothing to do with any sort of encouragement for people to heal from their adversities, etc….BUT, it does show that, although many years later, that same neglected lil’ girl resurfaces every now and then….she’s there I guess as a permanent part of who I am. I don’t allow her to purposely control my life, but I am probably better off to recognize that she does exsist.

The goal now would be to learn how to work with? around? avoid? overlook? I don’t know……maybe I sound like one of those weird split personality people……WOW, I have begun to scare even myself. If you see me with one of those scary Chukky dolls………….RUN ūüôā


#16 Wanna Chat? April 10, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — mackeymoore6 @ 4:01 am

I know that I have been “MIA” for a while.¬†Friends, I simply have not wanted to get ahead of God. I have been taking this offtime to¬†work on my spiritual walk. Well, I wouldn’t fall out of a chair with a shout if I were you. This is me we are talking about here, so whatever spiritual advancement there may have been is more like¬†the old “one step forward/two step back” routine.

I have a child that is obsessed with Bible themed movies. We as a family enjoy taking Friday nights and just watching such and chowin’ on the popcorn, etc….As I have viewed MORE than my fair share of them, I¬†have seen a¬†common element. That element is sin. It seems that almost every favorable character chosen by God, Himself to spread His word…….was SINFUL.

With some of the teaching I have received over the years, legalism has become a huge part of my walk. I struggle with perfectionism naturally and this did nothing for me but enhance my phobia of being perceived as “bad”. I have had this ideal mental picture of what it is to be “spiritual”, I could even name you the couple in which I have come to view as such. Nothing I could ever do seemed to be enough to make me like them. All these nice, sweet, innocent speaking people that are around makes me feel like a huge PUTZ.

As I have seen in these movies, these men and women of God sinned and regularly at that. I swear that David was just plain stupid sometimes. I mean, hello, King Saul had the world at his fingertips and blew it. Sarah jumped the gun. Ruth may have caused undo hardship to herself and her family… point is this, all these heros of the Faith, were just plain screw-ups like me.

It has taken many years for me to realize that it is actually possible that God can use the likes of this girl from the other side of the tracks. I mean, He did providentially spare my life on multiple occasions, He did provide for me when the odds were against me. He did place people in my life to guide me and disciple me in life and sanctification ( yeh, summa them didn’t do that great of a job did they, lol) Why would He have taken such care of such as me? Maybe He had a plan, imagine that, the Creator of this world having a PLAN……….i thought the monkeys were to credit.

What is my point? I don’t know, I just wanted to touch base with ya’ll. I have been waiting and watching, no pun intended. I have come to accept more that I have a purpose and it isn’t shameful in my longing to fulfill it. I have been priviledged¬†as of late to sing for special events and have an upcoming speaking engagement at a local prison. I don’t know where any of this leads, heck most of it probably doesn’t even make sense. But, I know this very¬†thing….last night as I heard the speaker make point of dilligence, steadfastness, etc…for the future,¬† I sat with tears running down my face. He said I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, I was setting a precidence in¬†the life of my babies. He said I needed to keep on keeping on. He said I was a good mom and that my boys are good kids. He said I was doing something right. He said that there was room for screwups like me………Now, did he say all of that? Nope, but the HolySpirit spoke it through that man’s words. It encouraged me, reminded me that I am making a difference in the lives of my children…………I don’t know what any of this was worth, I swear I don’t think I will even proofread it, as I know I will probably want to rearrange and correct the entire posting. So, I will leave it as it is….if it can encourage you to keep on keeping on, may it do so in the Lord’s way and for His glory. I want to be found faithful in all that I do and to Him does the praise belong for it. Thanks for reading, who knows when we’ll “chat” again, but I guess I just needed to talk to you all tonight…


Getting Past Your Past #15 February 19, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — mackeymoore6 @ 2:01 am

This blog update will not be original to me…I plan to share a story that I heard many years ago. The Talley Qt. encountered a situation with a woman along their travels…….

“This woman contacts me, she had never met me, so she felt secure in being able to share….we began to talk and I tried to minister to her. She came with much baggage as many of us do today. She had a sorted past of pain and despair. As the months went on, she would contact me more and more. Although I had no problem in counseling with her, and establishing a friendship, there seemed to be a common ending to what I had to say.

See, this woman would always have a reason that my advice would not work for her and her situation. She just wasn’t willing to let go of the pain of her circumstances, etc… I had gotten to the place that I didn’t feel that I could any longer help this person.

Soon after this realization, God gave me a song….I had been working on this particular song in practice, but as a group…we had not yet performed it…..

Riding along one day to minister to a church, the Lord makes clear to me that I am to sing that song that I wrote having that particular woman in mind….I said Lord, we haven’t even worked on it long enough to do today….but, the Holy Spirit’s leading was very strong. So out of obedience, when the time came…we sang that song and told this story….

See, by the time we were done singing that day, the altar had filled with multiple people shedding tears over sin, receiving healing over broken hearts, etc…..people were getting past their past….

At the end of the service a woman came to me and asked if she could speak to me privately. We began to talk and she then told me that SHE was THAT woman that he had referred to. See, we had never met face to face, only correspondence through telephone….

I began to squirm a bit, I said “well I guess your not real happy with me about telling all these people about you…” She humbly replied….That is just fine, because I too was at that altar, GETTING PAST MY PAST……..”

Now, to my knowledge that is an accurate account of the event that blessed my heart some 18yrs ago. I heard that testimony and took it to heart. I often reminded myself that I could never move past anything in my past if all I was going to be was a victim. Now, having said that….do I have bad moments?? Of course, you can’t be raised in the living hell that I was and not walk away with some serious scars. But, the important thing is to recognize that the Lord, Himself had His hand in leading my life. I was not and am not my own. I knew from an early age that there was something different about me. I knew that I didn’t “match” my family…I knew that there was a STRONG pulling from the Holy Spirit (tho i didn’t know what that was at the time, i did know that SOMETHING was working in my life)….you see, my life was spared, it was protected and has prospered since…the point is that I got past my past, or should I say….I am getting past it. Some areas are in progress, some are fully conquered, etc….each person has to assess the “damage” of the situation and work through accordingly. But, we have to be willing to let go at some point. Holding on only keeps us hurting.

Now, is it possible that people become addicted to that whole victim mentality?? I do believe so. I think that some people have become too relaxed with their pain. We all do at some degree I believe. Hello, we ALL think that we are justified in our pity and self loathing. And, we all do have those times with understanding, but my point is that if you continually dwell on the wrong in your life and NEVER find the positive, then you are living a defeated life. What kind of testimony is that? If you never have an end to the story and light at the end of the tunnel, then why would it be interesting to anyone else, how can they find any comfort for themselves through your life??

Sometimes, I think that you have to put your big girl/boy pants on and just get over yourself. Now, I realize that if you had said that to me, I would be hitting the lil’ EXIT button on your blog, BUT….I do think that with some of my experiences, I can with some degree of wisdom say that you can’t keep living in the defeat of your situations. I am in no position really to “preach” to anyone for SURE….I am just sharing what I have found true. Sometimes healing is just like a diet or headache, etc….if YOU don’t take that first step in acceptance, etc…then it doesn’t just jump off your hips (the weight), it doesn’t just begin to relieve pain (the tylenol)…you see my point??? Sometimes you have to help yourself as well. But, I am doing the best I can you say….BUT are you really? Is that all that our Creator made in you?? I think that you are better than what you think, I think that you have WAY more than you realize as far as the ability to overcome….you are SPECIAL, you are HIS…..accounted for, loved, you’re not a number…don’t you think that the Lord has given you the power through the Holy Spirit to overcome???? The question is, do you really want to….or do you want to continue to bask in the “hurt” like this lady did…….Please forgive the strong words and accept the love behind it. I too battle with self pity…we all do…..just remember that ONLY until we are tired of the mud can we crawl out of it. God has more for us than that……..He wants to use your life as a testimony for HIS glory.

***LYRICS*** : “you can get past your past, you can walk away from painful memories, past your past, you don’t have to be alone, you can stand upon the Word of God, His heart can be your home, let Jesus bring you past your past, then you can go on….Go on, Go on, let Jesus bring you past your past, then you can GO ON….”


From the Heart…. #14 February 17, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — mackeymoore6 @ 1:53 am

Many have asked/commented on there being no blog update. I appreciate that there is interest and I am excited to see what the Lord is going to do through my obedience. I don’t say that lightly and I surely don’t say it with a proud heart, as I am well aware of my shortcomings……

But, maybe that is where my next “spill” comes from….being SO aware of my sins, my shortcomings, my inadequacies. I have been struggling to know what next to share with you. I had a bit of a clue. I had shared with you about obedience. I knew that Sunday when “God showed up” that things were “in process”, the wheels were turning said my friend Ezekial….as I spoke of, the next day the Lord allowed a conversation with a hurting woman. My very close friend Karen needed someone to cover for her that day in her office. I did, now don’t you suppose that God knew that????? He conveniently had that whole ordeal at church the morning before, then to set in motion His plan of action that day in a TAX office no less, lol……as I spoke to you of her “goosebumps”….I worried it would sound prideful.

Within a few days of this blog getting underway, I received many encouraging remarks, requests for FB friends, knowledge of my testimony being shared openly among other women of the Lord, private messages sent to me thanking me for sharing, etc….MY POINT???

I DO NOT KNOW, lol….I have been asked to serve this week at a Gideon Awards Dinner. I was excited, it has been quite some time since my services, lol, were needed. Another ministry opportunity is being prayed about. Last week, I stepped out of my comfort zone and tried to encourage a “reader”. Accepted the challenge set before me today as I spoke with the waitress about raising her son in church,etc…. by her testimony she was saved, THANK GOD, because I probably would have passed out if the Lord had told me to witness to her at breakfast!

This whole thing is random, sorry…..just speaking from the heart and attempting to follow the Lord’s leading. See, I haven’t been in great “walking terms” with the Lord for the last several years. NOT to lay it all of on motherhood, but in just isn’t easy at times. I am the one that walked away from the closeness of my Saviour, our relationship suffered for this. I so remember the desire that I had when I left VaBch, I was ready for whatever the Father saw fit for me. Well, seems He had A LOT of “stuff” in store, some at my own failing and some appointed by Him….some good, some bad, some GREAT and some, WELL>>>>> UGH, lol…..

Why do I bring up that whole 10yr ago point??? Because for the first time in a long time, I can feel that moving again in my life. I am excited to see the Lord’s work. I again, have the need to be found faithful, not just survive. Now, I do understand that I am my worst critic, but I know there are many areas that I could done a better job in. But, here’s the deal….I am tryin, I am enjoying the journey again, I have obeyed things that I NEVER wanted to obey…..

I tried VERY hard to tell God that I didn’t want another child after Brayden ( i know that sounds weird, but it was a bad deal). I was done with kids, done….but the Lord made it very clear to me, some of ya’ll were even asked for your opinion on the matter. But, I knew I had no choice, so pridefully, I gave God, YES, GOD…. you know that ONE that made like the WHOLE world????? Yeh, I made a deal with Him, “If I can conceive within in this SMALL window of opportunity that I am willing to give to You, then and ONLY then will I obey…..” Do I have to tell you that out of that lil’ discussion I received news about 12 wks later that we were expecting….TWINS……….yep, stupid me……

hahaha, So, you can understand that when the Lord then told me some 2yrs later that I was supposed to HomeSchool my boys, I reluctantly obeyed….Come to think of it, some of the same people I spoke to about the whole kid thing was the same for school too……man, I really gotta watch that whole “Wise Counsel” thing, LOL……

When God told me to put my name on that Cross a few yrs back, I did, but didn’t know or like what was to come from that at all. Since, I have shared my testimony among a few people as an encouragement to them, NOW, He has me posting online for others to read and share……..

I started this update by saying….you want to know where I’ve been?? Well, I have been trying to wait on the Lord….can you tell that this is new to me? I have been thinking and praying on where to go next, what avenue, etc…..

I received an advertisement for LifeWay in the mail…on the front cover was a devotional titled…. “What Happens When Women say YES to God”………I began that book tonight. I enjoyed reading and identifying with the first chapter. She spoke of obedience, etc…but what rang truthful to me was her quoting of God taking ordinary people and doing extraordinary things IN them, THROUGH them, and WITH them…… ( personally i would add FOR them as well).

She spoke of the “real” revival coming into her life and she swears this for all women….that obedience is the way for your renewing of closeness to the Lord. Maybe that is true, as I spoke of that 10yr thing, I was in the process of obeying. I had told the Lord that I clearly did not want to retire here in Mississippi, but, I underlined that verse about “whatever state”, welp you guessed it, I wrote…..RIPLEY beside it. I meant it, I wanted to walk in obedience. Now, having said that…maybe it was the whole obedience factor that lead to the walk, I don’t know. But, I know this one thing……I may never have another blog update, I may never have another opportunity to share my testimony, I may never get an invitation to speak to a group of hurting women, etc…….who cares, what I desire most is to walk with my Lord…..if this is the end my friends, it has been eye opening. It has been revealing to me of the Lord’s desire for my closeness to Him, His amazing grace at work in my life…the renewing of my faith…the reminder that I am His, He has a plan for me, He saved me in many ways and then at the point of salvation, he alone provided and protected me, He alone is faithful and true to me and mine……..”Grace was made for lives like this”


“She loved me, She loved me not” #13 February 7, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — mackeymoore6 @ 4:05 am

I remember the day that my mom left……she was moving out to her own place. After all the years of fighting, why now? I had wanted to see her go so many times…..I thought….I guess, I really did love her. I know that I wanted to live with my daddy. I knew, that there would be NO questions, my daddy wouldn’t have it any other way. I knew, I knew, I knew……

But, as I saw her drive away that day, it seemed to be so very easy for her to give me up. I wasn’t prepared for the hurt that I would feel. I wanted my mommy back. She had never really been a mother to me, but I did want it to be different. I tried for months to spend time with her, but her new boyfriend was all she needed. There was no room for me in her life at that point.

I guess, the reason I am sharing this part of the story is…I think that I am actually trying to figure out if I really do love my mother. Do I? Or do I simply long for that relationship that everyone else seems to have? In conversation today, a lady asked me a question that further prompted my wondering. I know that I wanted a mom, I had a mother, but I wanted a mom….She never taught me the things that little girls should know. I wasn’t taught manners, personal grooming, social skills, etc….I learned by watching others. I guess that is why I sometimes get easily offended by opinion of my decision making or my quirks and unusual personality….because, I truly am giving it my all. I am doing the absolute best in this life that I can. I have learned ALL of what I have by example. I am the biggest “people watcher” that I know. That is both good and bad. While I have learned much, it makes it easily discouraging, as “man” notoriously lets us down. That is called being human.

But, I really do hope that life finds her well. I DO know that I feel sorry for her. But, I feel sorry for LOTS of people, so is that all there is to it? Do I really care or is that my nature kicking in. I am a fixer, a lover, a comforter, etc…does that simply apply to my mother as well? You notice that I am asking YOU, the reader, lol……I haven’t the answers either. While I don’t expect any of you to immediately message me with an instructor’s manual for healing of this matter, I just wanted to talk it out with you. I wonder how many other people that were adopted, abandoned, etc…feel these emotions too. There is an unexplainable emptiness when your own mother doesn’t want you. It really feeds to that natural sense of belonging, or lack there of. Hmmm……..

Maybe she truly did her very best for me….maybe her way of loving me was letting me go. Maybe the Lord just simply allowed the lack of connection for my well being, the betterment of my life. She was Pentecostal, so she was saved one day and not the next….religion was a joke in my house. It was utilized at convenient. But, she said as a baby that she lay me on the altar and surrendered my life to God. Maybe He heard her prayer, maybe He took that love of a hurting and disturbed mother and accepted her child for His purpose. Maybe in His providence He put the hedge of protection around me that day, I am absolutely convinced that He protected me like He did for Joseph. I know He had my good in mind. He kept me for a purpose. Another lady today shared with me that as she read my last name “Counts” she didn’t know to shout or cry….she said, “Marriana, your life truly did count to God”.

While this posting may seem a bit scattered, it is from the heart….


My Coach, My Angel #12 February 6, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — mackeymoore6 @ 4:34 pm

As I have often given credit to the “coach” in my life that showed me a different way…Obviously the Lord had this planned through His providence. I was a teenager with a tendency to be the teacher PET. I guess it was a natural reaction as much of my life has been spent seeking approval of others, especially those that stand in authority. By now, I am around 15-16yrs of age and just in that great “babysitting” stage. My most favorite influence in my life, Coach Dave McConnell, asked if I would be willing to babysit his children.

Well, I did, I remember him coming to pick me up and drop me off. He went way above the call of duty. The many times that I “sat” for them, I began to realize that something was VERY different at their house…it was a home. There was peace, love, tranquility (ok as much as there could b with small toddlers, lol). I realized that his walk at school was also the same as his home. Although, I never heard the full gospel in word…I saw it in their lives. For many years he was a constant in my life. He loved me and respected me….didn’t attempt to take his authority for granted. He lived a life that was of a mentor….quite possibly he doesn’t remember, but he was the very man I went to the day my daddy died. I went to see him and talk to him. I did nothing but tell him what was to happen later in that day, but I said that to say, he must have had some form of “pull” in my life…it was HE that I came to share my burden with. Months later, in summerschool (i have already grad) I came to him with my confusion of my relations with another “staff” member from our school. He obviously had my trust, he gave me guidance.

I will never be able to repay for his discipleship in my life. He and his precious wife probably don’t even recall the memories from so long ago, but I can plainly see their wooden table in the living room, I recall making cookies with their oldest daughter and her hands getting caught in the mixer, I can see him driving that big’ol greyish car picking me up at the church. I can hear him making fun of me and friends in summerschool (10th grd), we wanted to sleep…he was so dern mean, he made us actually do our work….BUT, can I say, that summer to date, was the BEST memory I have in my life. I can see him over in the old math “pod” (building…WEIRD floridians & their verbage), STUDYHALL it was…I remember kicking him to the curb and going to “work” for another administrator. He was of course, just messing around, but those words never left my heart…he never kicked me to the curb, he was ALWAYS there for me. As I have share a portion of this information with him, he has so graciously given the Lord all credit, etc…a true man of God, he just wants his life to be edifying to others….BUT, don’t be shy Coach, I love you and wouldn’t have turned out the way I have today, if not for your Godly influence. He wasn’t the one to lead me to the Lord, but he was the one that showed me there was MORE to life than hurt and dishonesty. How does one repay such favor??? It can’t be done, but I am gonna take a leap here and say, there is a special jewel in your crown, probably a HUGE one, lol…labeled, Marriana Counts…….dude, you probably deserve an extra wing added onto your mansion for your influence in my life…….but, THANK YOU really doesn’t do justice, but that is all I have to offer…my respect and admiration… Coach, my Friend, my Angel……….


All to Him I freely give…… #11

Filed under: Uncategorized — mackeymoore6 @ 3:20 am

I did indeed, glorifyingly (like that word?) bask in my Saviour’s presence as I let go of all my troubles………OK, who’s getting struck by lightening as she types??? So, just because I had placed my name on a lil’ sticky note didn’t mean that I planned on my life being turned upside down. I just meant to get a blessing or something, lol…..Here goes it, here goes it…….

At this particular time I mistakingly thought that I was able to allow my mother to meet my children. We planned to go back to my hometown of Jacksonville, Fl. Oh, how I was excited. The beach is gorgeous, I was going to take my family to my favorite everythings, ride beach cruisers like my daddy and I had as a kid….I had all my favorite restaurants picked out, I could honestly taste the wings from Miami Subs and BBQ from Sonny’s…and only the Lord Himself, knows how good a Larry’s Giant Sub would have been……BUT, something happened that I didn’t expect…..

Dreams galore began to just overtake me in my sleep. By the way, I never get to fully sleep, so to have what lil’ I do get be interrupted by a bad dream…that just AIN”T cool. But, soon, the dreams became nightmares. Memories, well really the emotions flooded back. I just mean that there was suddenly an overwhelming inability to push the thoughts away, the tears, the fears aside. The thing that really changed is that it was my children I began to dream were being taken from me. They were being beaten, etc…I couldn’t help them, my family wouldn’t let me have them….I woke in a panic, went downstairs and clung to Mackey like glue. He never even knew it, but i swear when he breathed I breathed, when he moved, I did. I was scared to death. I did’t want to wake him, as his hours are CRAZY. The kids and I often sleep in another room or part of the house, so we don’t disturb him. But, I am serious when I say, that poor man couldn’t even breath. He just didn’t know it, lol……..

When that became the point, I decided that I better ask my pastor was that some kind of weird thing on my part or some sort of “warning” from the Lord, etc….he and I both decided that it may not be a good idea, that if for nothing else, a mother’s intuition is to be followed most times. So, I cancel my plans. But, it is as if there was no turning back from that point. Suddenly, the issues that had been with me for many years, are no longer happy just sitting away in a box. They needed to come out. It was a pressure I don’t recall having before in my life.

I begged Martha Crawford to tell me it was wrong to need to talk to someone. I said, I hate people that want to be on the Oprah show, I hate people like my sister….she thinks that the world owes her a living because she had some hard times….She encouraged me that it wasn’t a bad thing and that probably it would do me some good…..I tried to talk to my pastor, but remember I had NO interest in this because, afterall I had lived here for 8 or more yrs before I would discuss this with him. It wasn’t like I was looking for a shoulder to help bear this burden. I was a BIG girl, and I have always sucked it up and I wasn’t about to be a panzy over this. I remember him even getting a bit disturbed with me, I would almost talk to him and then I would shy away. He said he couldn’t help me if I wouldn’t talk to him. So, I angrily agreed to do so. Afterall, he only had my best in mind. But, his hands were tied. As I continued to battle this pull to share with my current pastor, I strangely by chance speak with THAT “minister” that I referred to in a previous post(this was once a man that i trusted and sumhow i reverted back to that) He began his typically sexual tendencies toward me as I was trying to share how scared I was, how unsafe I felt. It made me so very angry, I thought…this is it, this is the LAST straw, I didn’t say, but should have…..I thought…O NO YOU DON”T…..I am NOT a kid anymore, you can’t do this to me again…..Out of that anger that day, I knew…I knew it was time to seek council from a reputable Man of God…………
As I began to share all of my testimony with him, he took care and note of what he had heard. He gave me time to “let it all out”. Then it was his time to kind of pull some things together for me. I had not seen some of the things he had in this life of mine. I didn’t realize that my problem with authority came from so many men in my life exploiting my trust. He gave me some insight to why I was an angry person, etc…..I never knew that it was ok to hurt, didn’t know that a justified “peed-off-ness” was ok to feel. I wasn’t aware that sharing a part of your life like mine wasn’t shameful on my part. I thought that if I did, I was like my sister, and we ALL know how I feel about that……

So, did I intend to give my all to the Lord that day?? Yes, but did I realize this is what He meant by it?? I think I may preferred chancing that Bolt coming my way. I wasn’t prepared for what was going to happen in my life. I just plainly lost my mind for a few weeks. I knew I would, I knew I was going to be vulnerable and scared and stupid….I just couldn’t think straight, I made poor decisions, I angered a few folks along the way, I ended getting hurt in some areas, I HATED those few weeks. I still haven’t gotten past it. I don’t know how to forgive myself for it. I fear that it is held against me. I think that I damaged some relationships that were important to me. Why did this happen? I guess that it was just more than I could handle all at one time. I did heal from the sharing, but some things just never went back to the same. I don’t regret this “too” much, as it has led to my new ability to now share with you. I hope that it was all worth it. I hope that it can be a blessing to someone hurting. I know that I have had much feedback as to the Lord already using it in others’ ministries to hurting people. But, I just don’t know….I don’t want to hurt anymore. I want to heal from my “stupid weeks”, but the point is, I did what was right, I did what I needed to do, I obeyed the Lord, I surreneded…..

“I surrender all, I surrender all, all to Thee my blessed Saviour, I surrender all”