I remember the day that my mom left……she was moving out to her own place. After all the years of fighting, why now? I had wanted to see her go so many times…..I thought….I guess, I really did love her. I know that I wanted to live with my daddy. I knew, that there would be NO questions, my daddy wouldn’t have it any other way. I knew, I knew, I knew……
But, as I saw her drive away that day, it seemed to be so very easy for her to give me up. I wasn’t prepared for the hurt that I would feel. I wanted my mommy back. She had never really been a mother to me, but I did want it to be different. I tried for months to spend time with her, but her new boyfriend was all she needed. There was no room for me in her life at that point.
I guess, the reason I am sharing this part of the story is…I think that I am actually trying to figure out if I really do love my mother. Do I? Or do I simply long for that relationship that everyone else seems to have? In conversation today, a lady asked me a question that further prompted my wondering. I know that I wanted a mom, I had a mother, but I wanted a mom….She never taught me the things that little girls should know. I wasn’t taught manners, personal grooming, social skills, etc….I learned by watching others. I guess that is why I sometimes get easily offended by opinion of my decision making or my quirks and unusual personality….because, I truly am giving it my all. I am doing the absolute best in this life that I can. I have learned ALL of what I have by example. I am the biggest “people watcher” that I know. That is both good and bad. While I have learned much, it makes it easily discouraging, as “man” notoriously lets us down. That is called being human.
But, I really do hope that life finds her well. I DO know that I feel sorry for her. But, I feel sorry for LOTS of people, so is that all there is to it? Do I really care or is that my nature kicking in. I am a fixer, a lover, a comforter, etc…does that simply apply to my mother as well? You notice that I am asking YOU, the reader, lol……I haven’t the answers either. While I don’t expect any of you to immediately message me with an instructor’s manual for healing of this matter, I just wanted to talk it out with you. I wonder how many other people that were adopted, abandoned, etc…feel these emotions too. There is an unexplainable emptiness when your own mother doesn’t want you. It really feeds to that natural sense of belonging, or lack there of. Hmmm……..
Maybe she truly did her very best for me….maybe her way of loving me was letting me go. Maybe the Lord just simply allowed the lack of connection for my well being, the betterment of my life. She was Pentecostal, so she was saved one day and not the next….religion was a joke in my house. It was utilized at convenient. But, she said as a baby that she lay me on the altar and surrendered my life to God. Maybe He heard her prayer, maybe He took that love of a hurting and disturbed mother and accepted her child for His purpose. Maybe in His providence He put the hedge of protection around me that day, I am absolutely convinced that He protected me like He did for Joseph. I know He had my good in mind. He kept me for a purpose. Another lady today shared with me that as she read my last name “Counts” she didn’t know to shout or cry….she said, “Marriana, your life truly did count to God”.
While this posting may seem a bit scattered, it is from the heart….