From Mess to Blessed

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Nailed it!!! #10 February 6, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — mackeymoore6 @ 2:28 am

Yeh, you thought I did something great like pass my medical boards or the bar to become a world known child advocate attorney right??? OK, well now that we know that wasn’t the case…….I’m going to share with you how it is we got to the point of sharing….

A few times over the years, I have spoken with a minister, etc…to “take hold” of all that had transpired in my life, maybe gain some understanding, know how to better deal or, I don’t know, find some comfort?? May I share with you how the Lord made it clear to me that it was “time” to deal……

About 3yrs ago, our pastor began a series of msg on “The Cross”….we had a large rustic cross brought in. It was beautifully mastered and scaled to the needs of our auditorium. I had known of a “plan” he had that would enable members to seek God’s leading in nailing ( ok sticky notes) to the cross. His point in it all was to encourage those suffering with trials and those fighting with sin to be able to “lay” it down. This was a tremendous blessing to our people. Since, I had already gotten word of this concept, I took it upon myself to seek out a song that could be used to minister to our people. (“He Loved me with a Cross”) I said that to say, I did everything in my power to be involved in this process. I just about begged God as people for several weeks began to leave their burdens at that altar. Healing was occuring in many hearts, stands were being taken in hardship, et.c…..Seemed that EVERYONE but Marriana Moore had received their confirming “postit”… they knew what way the Lord was leading. I tried so hard to think, pray about what I was to “nail”. I even talked in humor with my pastor about this, he in turn says, put a note that says…”All of the above”, hee hee…..he was really right, many and I mean many a sin I could add, many a burden I could list, but it wasn’t the leading of the Lord….I even got a lil’ discouraged over this.

I would say about 4weeks after ALL “nailing” had been done, msg had turned its way toward another series…..WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS???? yep, I have that nudging from the Lord…I know what He wants me to put on that replica….He wants me to put my name…..Well, now just sounds stupid doesn’t it? (really feeling stupid, cuz ain’t nobody else still doin this) Well, you see, I could have put all my faults and possibly we would have needed another tree for that, but that wasn’t what the Lord wanted….He said put my name, because friends, He wanted ME…yep, ME….He wanted ALL of me……and that would mean that I would have to be prepared for what that would include, this part of my life that I had sheltered for so long…I don’t like it, I don’t like to discuss it with the exception of attempt to minister to someone or the possible explanation of why I might make a particular decision, but the most part, it was OFF limits to people……BUT, I nailed it…..And, 3yrs ago almost to date, this choice made my life change drastically………

“Seek hope and forgiveness, Nail it to the Cross”

 

Justa’ Crawlin…… #9 February 5, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — mackeymoore6 @ 1:42 am

We’re supposed to be honest right??? Isn’t that what we promised??? I’m mixed up a bit….KNOW that this is of the Lord, feeling WAY too inadequate to continue to witness His work in my life and possibly through me. Another lady today shared with me that she felt goosebumps as I spoke with her. I explained it wasn’t me, it was the Lord and His divine appointment that she and I cross paths. Worried that maybe I am not doing this blogging deal right, afterall, when do I ever do anything the conventional way? I am not looking for anything here as far as encouragement, etc…I just promised to be open and honest…So, I am…..I am just so unworthy of this blessing in my life….I don’t even know how to get to where I want to be. I feel a bit like Peter walking on that water…..I sink, I walk, I sink, I walk……..BUT, I know that I want more of HIM………..a closer walk with my Saviour……..

“I am weak but Thou art strong….let me walk dear Lord close to Thee”

 

“Kept” #8 February 4, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — mackeymoore6 @ 4:34 am

As I steal the title from the service at Unity this evening……I choose to share the aspect of my testimony that deals with my “saving/protecting”……..

You are probably unaware of where we go from here, as am I. But, my pastor spoke tonight of the “whatifs” one not being sheltered. The direction He was in, was that of being kept from the evils of this world…if not for Grace, where would any of us be? He began his “point” by saying he wondered how many prostitutes, street people, drunks, etc..there would be in a crowd our size, if not for God’s amazing grace……….

I will carefully choose my words for this posting, but be aware that we are being honest with each other. I will approach this subject matter with respect and reverance toward the Lord. In another posting, I referred to the “attention of the older man”….

There was a lack of teaching to the boundaries that should have been set between myself and the affections given from men. My approach toward relations with older men was mostly self destructive. I did not set out to find pleasure, as much as I set out to find love and acceptance. I needed something to fill the gap and the longing to be safe. The arms of the “older man” was where I found at least the “feel of safety”. Maybe you recall my mentioning the fact that I shared a room with my daddy until I was 12. I believe that this confusion if you will, lead me toward a life of searching for safety in the form physical touch.

By the age of 15 I had been physically active with two men that were in the US Navy. By 16 I was shamelessly sought after by a man that was double my age. By 18-19 I had spent time in the arms of a man that I loved, but there was no interest in furthering a relationship. He was simply a friend in which I found comfort and safety. At this time, I was meeting privately with two “staff” (unable to share the positions they held in my HS). But, authority they were to me…….And, finally the really angering relationship was with a minister on staff at my church (again, won’t say a specific). BUT…again, they were my authority figures. Some of these relations were of physical nature, some were just hanging out, (but why didn’t their wifes know??) and some were supposedly “father/daughter”. Mind you I am not a rocketscientist, but I don’t think those that stand to “parent” a child are sexually communicating behind closed doors.

Why on earth would I share such information with you? Well, because whether by my own lusts for attention, safety, and affection OR at another’s perverse hand….I was there, it happened and God STILL was gracious enough to see me out of every circumstance with minimal damage having been done. God had no plan for me to seek shelter in the arms of men….He wanted that seeking to be kept for only one man…my husband….thankfully, I was able to share that purity with him alone……..Forgive me if this was a bit much…..BUT, my point in all of this was to enable a person that may need to minister to a hurting child or adult…MANY a child/man/woman have been either abused in a sexually abusive relationship or given themselves over to a life of lust and pleasure. Authority in the life of a child is sacred, it is a priviledge to gain the trust of a young boy or girl…it is NOT to be abused in such a manner………Can I say at 37yrs of age that I was sheltered as a child? NOPE…but, I can say my Saviour “kept” me……….

 

“Go” #7 February 3, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — mackeymoore6 @ 10:17 pm

“That Voice” that many of us heard being referred to at Unity this morning, I too, have heard quite clearly….early in my walk with Him, before I was even saved, and now as I pour myself into this attempt of ministry.

* I always had a drawing TO, or maybe AWAY from what my family was. I knew that I wanted something different. I wasn’t always sure what that was. But, of course the call for salvation came at a time of understanding and I did “GO” down that isle.
* As I shared that voice that spoke to me before my daddy passed….I did indeed “GO”.
* As God gave me that song, we were in the middle of “revival” He told me to “GO”. I was so afraid to miss that boat. I knew that I was crazy, but who is dumb enough to think that God, Himself told them to sing that song that wasn’t on schedule??? Did I mention it was in the middle of a service?? God prompted our pastor in his words…”grace”. I knew it was meant of God, so I got in the middle and walked up and began to sing….you know how things turned out and the Lord has seen fit to use that particular song in many ways since.
*I felt compelled to share the concept of this blog in a FB posting last week, I was afraid….it will only give more people more room to criticize me. I am not exactly the most understood person in this county, lol. But, I clicked the mouse, that is kind of like hitting the “GO” button isn’t it?
*I sent an email to someone that I needed to take a step in forgiving, I did…..having NO idea I would see that individual that SAME day. I sent my husband in to see if what I thought was true was, yes….there they sit, for the taking, I could either take that first step and speak or I could continue to hurt without any attempt of healing… I literally “GO-ed”, like I got back in the vehicle and told Mackey to (go, leave, vacate). But, that Voice said, “Coward, you gonna take the High road or continue to suffer by yourself??” So, I went, spoke-ish, mostly cried without saying a word, but the point was….I obeyed.
*Week before last, God told me to call a person to encourage, I of course fought that thought as I was unsure of the response I would receive. Needless to say, He said do it and I said, “OK GOD…not ugly, but I was like come on, this has to be a joke….” as the phone rang, the individual that had avoided contact with any help from others….ANSWERED as soon as I dialed…they were making a call and didn’t mean to answer MY call…..hee hee, I was so tickled by the fact that the Lord worked out that moment the way He saw fit. Had I not obeyed, at that very moment, I wouldn’t have been able to offer that love and support.
*Sent a msg to a friend that seemed to need a bit of “pick-me-up”….fought myself over and over for it….after having sent it, I made myself sick worrying if it was taken the way I had intended it….last night that person confirmed to me that it was just what she needed. Thankful that I went “GO” on that one too.
*Today, (it was on my heart last nite, but i was afraid i was again just being NUTS)…. God prompted my heart to sing “my song” this morning. I do not often sing it for the purpose that I want it to be the Lord leading, it is special and needs to be kept that way. But, I saw the congregation today and knew that the Lord was confirming that it was to be sung. So up to my pastor I had to “GO” hoping, SO hoping to not miss this boat…..
*Midservice as our pastor begins to wait on the Lord for guidance of direction, the Lord speaks to me to stand and just give Him praise…I hate to speak publically, I love to talk….sing….classroom, one on one, writing, etc…ANY way for my mouth to run….EXCEPT to speak in a crowd in the auditorium at that…..So, as I argue with God…He allows our pastor to say the VERY words that God had told me to say, so before I got lightening struck on our side of the church, I decided to stand and ask forgiveness for attempting to disobey and not “GO” like He said. It wasn’t easy for me. I can’t rehearse what is being said…I had to just simply thank God for what He put in my heart, for what He has given me in my life, for fixing this lil’ broken girl….

POINT….GO if our Lord tells you to…..what if you miss a blessing? What if you quinch the HolySpirit’s moving? What if that person needed that encouragement at that very moment? What if your obedience changes the course of action in a person’s life or even yours….worse, what if your DISobedience or mine changed in that same fashion???? May we all seek our Lord and His direction, being close enough to Him to hear His voice and be able to distinguish that it is indeed HIS voice that is calling………..Please pray for me as I continue to seek the Lord in the direction of this blog. Most of the bones of the story are now there for you, I am “feeling out” what must be filled into the empty spaces of this outline of my life. Wisdom is gained only by the seeking of it….

 

God’s Provision #6

Filed under: Uncategorized — mackeymoore6 @ 3:44 am

So, you have become familiar with facts….but let’s now begin with the testimony aspect of this journey…

God provided for me….while a period of time was spent living in the state of Tennessee , my parents and I were in a terrible accident. We were involved in a head-on collision. This left my daddy severly injured. He would later be in waiting for the law suit to come to fruition. During this waiting period, he was unable to work….meals were constantly hoped for and never assumed to be served. Many times, I saw God send groceries our way. Christmas presents showed up at times when needed, etc….God took care of us.

But, I have to be honest here…this is what we are doing, being honest and forthcoming….I can’t tell you the countless times that I recall our family rummaging through huge garbage cans at the edge of town. It was from there I would receive much of the wardrobe that I was to wear to school. Times were very hard, poverish didn’t really even describe how things were. But, there was a roof over my head.

The reason I shared that bit of information wasn’t to seek a response of pity, but to show you that early on, I began to see that the Lord had His hand on my life. I may have not noticed it then, but I can see it now for sure. What I am going to tell you next is an advance all the way to the point that my daddy and I live alone before his death…..

As I shared, I worked 30hrs week to just put food on our table. My daddy at that point worked, but there just wasn’t enough to go around. His lifestyle and the fact that so much of our money was spent supporting my nephews, left little to stretch. I was even the one that paid all of the bills at that point( meaning i filled out the check, sent off pymt, etc…BUT don’t tell mackey, he thinks i know nuthin about balancing a checkbook, lol). I knew that there wasn’t a lot of extra….as I had gone grocery shopping one day, I know that God, Himself provided a large porkloin that was mismarked…there was ONLY one….they were all in the range of 12-13dollars, mine had gotten priced at 2dollars…..I was attending church at that time and learning of His love for me. I knew that God had provided that for us. I was able to make several meals from that lil’ blessing. Now, why did I share something that seems so insignificant in the light of the heavier subjects discussed? Because, it is JUST as much part of this journey as anything else. He began to show me that day that He was able to provide for my needs……………Can I tell you to this day, people still get so mad at me and say, “How do you do that with that amount of money, or How did you buy that awesome item for only $7, etc…” God has given me a blessing in life that is like a big “SALE”. I have an ability to find a bargain like none other. I constantly have people call and ask me, “Can you look for this item for me?” They know that I can come up with stuff at prices they could only dream of……..That is a great blessing that my Lord has given me. It helps me to be a better helpmate to my husband, and if you know me at all, I can use all the supernatural help I can get in that area 🙂

“There’s a roof up above me, I’ve a good place to sleep. There’s food on my table and shoes on my feet…..Thank You, Lord for your blessings on me!”

 

The Price of Freedom #5 February 2, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — mackeymoore6 @ 11:36 pm

Since I am now a “full adult”, meaning, I haven’t a home…no parents, no real source of income other than that in which a kid makes…….where do I go? Who will take me in? Well, I was offered by several to “stay” for a while….so, as long as it is convenient to a stranger in…I was able to stay days at a time with different families. This obviously wasn’t the long term solution. After being tossed to and fro, Clayton offered to pay my first month rent to room with a girl from our church. So, this all sounded just great….well, let’s say it didn’t go well. All I did was trade one dictator in my life for another. I could never do anything right in his eyes either. I was a kid for Pete’s sake. The situation didn’t end quite the way I would have liked it. So, I used the insurance money to purchase a mobile home with my mother……….did I just say that???? Can you say STUPID????

What would make you think that if we had NEVER had a relationship, moving into a home together would be wise??? Many arguments, much involved with my sister and her 3 boys. I was always wrong (by the way, at 19 i prob was many times). But, the point here is…one of us was the kid, and the other the “adult”. Either way, things didn’t end well at this point….

After a heated argument with my sister, the police were called….the cops come to assess the situation, now doesn’t this beat all??? My sister whom this was all started by, was friends with the dude…..YES, the policeman was a personal friend of hers. Might I say she had plenty of “Friends” if you know what I mean…..anyways, he bluntly tells me that he is NOT going to make her leave. Her children and she may remain in the home with my mother and I must vacate the premises…..WHAT?? I am the one that owns this house???

So, after staying at Denny’s all night…I went back to get the tag from my mother that she had taken off of my car…yes, DRAMA….as we are now arguing heavily in the drive, I attempt to grab my tag and we struggle over the keys, somehow I let go or did she??? Either way, the moment didn’t go well at all (notice a pattern in my life at current?? lol). Somehow I scratched the top of her eyebrow with my keys. Well, luckily for me, the neighbors had called the police and guess who is gonna get in trouble for this one???? Yep, you guessed it….I had some SERIOUS luck back then….needless to say, I was whisked away in handcuffs as my mother and sister watch me. The cop that arrested me was so dern mean…as I sit in the back seat where CRIMINALS have before me sat, UGH….he tells me to stop crying, as I do NOT want to ____ him off……..

Off the Duval Cty jail I go, where I spend 24hrs locked up behind bars….(the only cool thing about this is that u see that they really don’t have bars on them, it is a weird glass door, lol). Can you imagine this lil’ girl ALL scared to death?? God had allowed this nice black lady to shelter me from other inmates. She of course knew I was just a kid and wasn’t about to have anyone mess with me. At my arrainment I was not believing what I had seen….REAL life criminals that did drugs, etc…were allowed to go home on “Time Served”. I however, was put throught months of court dealings, etc…So, long story short….I was being hung out to dry from the Prosecution ( they had an axe to grind with me as i was a material witness for my sister, but let’s say i wasn’t on her side….so they wanted to bury me for not helping them). I appeared before a judge that was a Christian and she was SOOOO mad at these men and women, she gave them a serious b-tt chewing and told them that SOMEONE had minutes to get me into a room and find a course of action that would help me to be released of these ridiculous accusations. Finally, a woman sent from God came to me and said she would, herself, represent me and that this was a sham….I told her all of what had transpired and she presented my case to the judge who APPOLOGIZED that this sytem had sought to punish me for a crime that wasn’t even in exsistence. She said that by law she HAD to charge me a court fee and that she was giving me the least she could…she extended the amount of months as she could for payment dues. She could not belive what was being done to a little girl who stood before her in an open court scared to death and crying with nobody to help her…..BUT, hey I was free right????

Well, you see…I didn’t ask for all this stuff to happen to me….after all I simply wanted to be freed from such a bad situation…….

A family allowed me to now live with them in their home. Oh, an upside to this story right??? Well, what I was completely unaware of, is that this would become another detrimental situation that would unfold another form of abuse. On the outset of things, I was accepted as “family”, couldn’t do any wrong…but before long, their real family became ALL they cared for…I never added up. I lived for months in fear that I would do something wrong and I would again be kicked out on the streets. Everyday I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned for these people. See, they never accepted an agreement of like rent, etc…I was just simply placed under such scrutiny that I was again never allowed to make a mistake or have an opinion, etc….I was honestly just slave to these people. He was blind and she was disabled with severe heart condition. On the outside, this thing looked like a loving family had taken a girl in and it was all out of the goodness of their heart. Boy were they wrong. My church family was unaware of what was happening behind the closed doors of that home.

By now, I am dating Mackey and he is now becoming aware of what was going on. I was unable to move with him as he was being transferred to another state. We weren’t married yet, so what was I to do. He even went as far as to ask his mother could I move to Missisippi to live with her until we were married. Folks, this ordeal unfolded all within months, from graduation to salvation, to marriage in about a yr…..he couldn’t stand what I lived with. So, we rushed our proposal and marriage. We had only dated a few short months, most of which were spent with him overseas or in another state….but, it was the way for me to leave and it was his way of helping me into another world….(i’ll POSSIBLY expound more on that another time) But, he was good to me and I have never forgotten the fact that he loved me enough to get me outta there………

So, this new found freedom that I had launched myself into wasn’t really free at all….it too came at a serious price. The skeleton that I live with most is the fact that nobody wanted me. Can you imagine what it feels like to be tossed around with nowhere to turn, nobody to trust, no home, no family??? All this lil’ girl EVER wanted was for someone to accept her and love her. Don’t abuse her, don’t take from her, don’t use her….just love her….

I still at 37yrs of age, feel like that young girl that in her own heart cried out to the world….WHY??? What is wrong with me??? I am not bad, I am a good kid……..Now, maybe all of this seems just plum crazy as if it comes to you Via soap opera, but the plain truth is that it is all real. I have never healed from that feeling of being left, unwanted, tossed aside, unworthy, an orphan……..

“Who here among has not been broken, Who here among us is without guilt or pain. So oft abandoned by our transgression, if such a thing as grace exsists, grace was made for lives like this…
There are no strangers, there are no outcasts, there are no orphans of God. So many have fallen, but Hallelujah, there are no Orphans of God.
Come ye unwated and find affection, Come all ye weary, come and lay down your head. Come ye unworthy, for you are my brother, if such a thing as grace exsists, grace was made for lives like this…
Oh, blessed Father, look down upon us, we are your children we need your love. We bow before your throne of mercy and seek your face, to rise above….”

My friends, this is my life in song…..Avalon is the original producer of these blessed words. I encourage you to listen online to this song. If this is too contemporary for you, move past that and hear the meaning behind it.

 

For my Protection #4

Filed under: Uncategorized — mackeymoore6 @ 10:45 pm

The last posting ended with…”at my request”….I will now share with you how we had gotten to that point…….

After that night (12 yrs old) I told you about that really changed the course of my life, things began to heat up in the area of anger and abuse. Any provocation moved quickly into severe punishment/border line abuse. However, that was hard to distinguish at times from the actual physical beatings that I now received just for the mere heck of it??? It was all really hard to understand as a kid. I just knew that I walked on egg shells during these years.

As the daily walk from bustop to home in the afternoons, I peeked around the corner to see if my daddy’s truck was there…if it was, I walked as slow as I possibly could….however, if it wasn’t, I ran home as quickly as my lil’ feet would allow me. There was never a moment of peace, always begging for approval….it was just pure misery all the time. I remember getting into trouble when there would be days off from school, YES scheduled days that the school calendar stated…somehow that was my fault. Everything was my fault, whether it truly was or not.

I was now turning into a young woman and I was learning that things weren’t the same in all homes as they were in mine. This reality became more and more clear to me. It began to overwhelm me as I became more and more angry that this abuse was happening. Why didn’t anyone ever do anything about it was my question….why didn’t anyone care that this lil’ girl was being used by her family and being treated in an abusive way??? Well, after realizing that it was time to for someone to know, I told my youth pastor(i now attend a bap church). But, here’s the kicker, I called him one afternoon and I could take NO more of this….what prompted the conversation with Clayton was the fact that my daddy and I had just had a heated argument….

I was really getting tired of being treated like this, at the point in the argument that a knife was at my throat from the hands of my own father, I realized there was NOWHERE to go from here….I finally just told him that if he was going to kill me that he was to do so, I was over this cr-p, just OVER IT…..so, as I called to gain some sort of wisdom from a man that should have offered me more than he did……he tells me to make the decisions, that HE wasn’t able to do it, if I wanted to call the police, etc..then I, alone had that decision to make……….NOW, I ask you…who tells a child that?? He should have been on the phone immediately telling what had happened, but it was left to me……I said, and I quote the very words out of my mouth….”Clayton, I can’t do that to my daddy…He’ll go to jail, I am loyal to my daddy, I can’t do that to him!”

After realizing that there was no real help for me in this world, I was left to ask God to do whatever it took to make my daddy stop and to save my life from this horrible situation…..within weeks, my daddy was diagnosed with cancer and within 2 months that man that I had asked God to deliver me from, lay in my arms to die……..