Since I am now a “full adult”, meaning, I haven’t a home…no parents, no real source of income other than that in which a kid makes…….where do I go? Who will take me in? Well, I was offered by several to “stay” for a while….so, as long as it is convenient to a stranger in…I was able to stay days at a time with different families. This obviously wasn’t the long term solution. After being tossed to and fro, Clayton offered to pay my first month rent to room with a girl from our church. So, this all sounded just great….well, let’s say it didn’t go well. All I did was trade one dictator in my life for another. I could never do anything right in his eyes either. I was a kid for Pete’s sake. The situation didn’t end quite the way I would have liked it. So, I used the insurance money to purchase a mobile home with my mother……….did I just say that???? Can you say STUPID????
What would make you think that if we had NEVER had a relationship, moving into a home together would be wise??? Many arguments, much involved with my sister and her 3 boys. I was always wrong (by the way, at 19 i prob was many times). But, the point here is…one of us was the kid, and the other the “adult”. Either way, things didn’t end well at this point….
After a heated argument with my sister, the police were called….the cops come to assess the situation, now doesn’t this beat all??? My sister whom this was all started by, was friends with the dude…..YES, the policeman was a personal friend of hers. Might I say she had plenty of “Friends” if you know what I mean…..anyways, he bluntly tells me that he is NOT going to make her leave. Her children and she may remain in the home with my mother and I must vacate the premises…..WHAT?? I am the one that owns this house???
So, after staying at Denny’s all night…I went back to get the tag from my mother that she had taken off of my car…yes, DRAMA….as we are now arguing heavily in the drive, I attempt to grab my tag and we struggle over the keys, somehow I let go or did she??? Either way, the moment didn’t go well at all (notice a pattern in my life at current?? lol). Somehow I scratched the top of her eyebrow with my keys. Well, luckily for me, the neighbors had called the police and guess who is gonna get in trouble for this one???? Yep, you guessed it….I had some SERIOUS luck back then….needless to say, I was whisked away in handcuffs as my mother and sister watch me. The cop that arrested me was so dern mean…as I sit in the back seat where CRIMINALS have before me sat, UGH….he tells me to stop crying, as I do NOT want to ____ him off……..
Off the Duval Cty jail I go, where I spend 24hrs locked up behind bars….(the only cool thing about this is that u see that they really don’t have bars on them, it is a weird glass door, lol). Can you imagine this lil’ girl ALL scared to death?? God had allowed this nice black lady to shelter me from other inmates. She of course knew I was just a kid and wasn’t about to have anyone mess with me. At my arrainment I was not believing what I had seen….REAL life criminals that did drugs, etc…were allowed to go home on “Time Served”. I however, was put throught months of court dealings, etc…So, long story short….I was being hung out to dry from the Prosecution ( they had an axe to grind with me as i was a material witness for my sister, but let’s say i wasn’t on her side….so they wanted to bury me for not helping them). I appeared before a judge that was a Christian and she was SOOOO mad at these men and women, she gave them a serious b-tt chewing and told them that SOMEONE had minutes to get me into a room and find a course of action that would help me to be released of these ridiculous accusations. Finally, a woman sent from God came to me and said she would, herself, represent me and that this was a sham….I told her all of what had transpired and she presented my case to the judge who APPOLOGIZED that this sytem had sought to punish me for a crime that wasn’t even in exsistence. She said that by law she HAD to charge me a court fee and that she was giving me the least she could…she extended the amount of months as she could for payment dues. She could not belive what was being done to a little girl who stood before her in an open court scared to death and crying with nobody to help her…..BUT, hey I was free right????
Well, you see…I didn’t ask for all this stuff to happen to me….after all I simply wanted to be freed from such a bad situation…….
A family allowed me to now live with them in their home. Oh, an upside to this story right??? Well, what I was completely unaware of, is that this would become another detrimental situation that would unfold another form of abuse. On the outset of things, I was accepted as “family”, couldn’t do any wrong…but before long, their real family became ALL they cared for…I never added up. I lived for months in fear that I would do something wrong and I would again be kicked out on the streets. Everyday I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned for these people. See, they never accepted an agreement of like rent, etc…I was just simply placed under such scrutiny that I was again never allowed to make a mistake or have an opinion, etc….I was honestly just slave to these people. He was blind and she was disabled with severe heart condition. On the outside, this thing looked like a loving family had taken a girl in and it was all out of the goodness of their heart. Boy were they wrong. My church family was unaware of what was happening behind the closed doors of that home.
By now, I am dating Mackey and he is now becoming aware of what was going on. I was unable to move with him as he was being transferred to another state. We weren’t married yet, so what was I to do. He even went as far as to ask his mother could I move to Missisippi to live with her until we were married. Folks, this ordeal unfolded all within months, from graduation to salvation, to marriage in about a yr…..he couldn’t stand what I lived with. So, we rushed our proposal and marriage. We had only dated a few short months, most of which were spent with him overseas or in another state….but, it was the way for me to leave and it was his way of helping me into another world….(i’ll POSSIBLY expound more on that another time) But, he was good to me and I have never forgotten the fact that he loved me enough to get me outta there………
So, this new found freedom that I had launched myself into wasn’t really free at all….it too came at a serious price. The skeleton that I live with most is the fact that nobody wanted me. Can you imagine what it feels like to be tossed around with nowhere to turn, nobody to trust, no home, no family??? All this lil’ girl EVER wanted was for someone to accept her and love her. Don’t abuse her, don’t take from her, don’t use her….just love her….
I still at 37yrs of age, feel like that young girl that in her own heart cried out to the world….WHY??? What is wrong with me??? I am not bad, I am a good kid……..Now, maybe all of this seems just plum crazy as if it comes to you Via soap opera, but the plain truth is that it is all real. I have never healed from that feeling of being left, unwanted, tossed aside, unworthy, an orphan……..
“Who here among has not been broken, Who here among us is without guilt or pain. So oft abandoned by our transgression, if such a thing as grace exsists, grace was made for lives like this…
There are no strangers, there are no outcasts, there are no orphans of God. So many have fallen, but Hallelujah, there are no Orphans of God.
Come ye unwated and find affection, Come all ye weary, come and lay down your head. Come ye unworthy, for you are my brother, if such a thing as grace exsists, grace was made for lives like this…
Oh, blessed Father, look down upon us, we are your children we need your love. We bow before your throne of mercy and seek your face, to rise above….”
My friends, this is my life in song…..Avalon is the original producer of these blessed words. I encourage you to listen online to this song. If this is too contemporary for you, move past that and hear the meaning behind it.