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#17 ain’t gotta title……… April 23, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — mackeymoore6 @ 2:33 am

I can’t really believe that I am going to do this…………..I can talk to a computer screen I guess, but not real people, lol……

Last week when I gave my testimony to the women at the prison, I highlighted different points that I thought they might be able to relate to, etc….shared a small portion of what it felt like the day that my mom moved out of our home. I explained that even though she and I were never close in that whole weird family dynamic in which we operated, that I was broken as she left me standing there without putting up the slightest fight.

Unknowingly, I have been feeling that same way as of late. It is a bit unrecognizable to me, as I try to put those emotions aside. They seem to manifest themselves as anxiety, frustration, etc…..BUT, I am pretty sure that this is what is going on………

My mother in law’s home is going to be vacant and ready for renting within the next few days/weeks. This has placed an enormous pressure on me. Who is going to do all of the work that needs done? Who is going to lose sleep over the worries of finances, etc….Who is going to fight with Mackey about needing these issues addressed? See where this is going? It has ALL fallen on me.

As a local friend of mine would say, I am doing WAY more than any normal person would do. Youd don’t have to do this/that/the other, etc…she would say. Welp, I have thought about this and realized that I am approaching this “project” the same way that I dealt with the selling of our last home……

If they don’t like it they won’t buy it…..If I don’t get this pefect, they won’t buy it…..If I don’t paint this/redo that, etc….they won’t want it…..Do you see a pattern in this posting?? (besides the obvious I syndrome that I suffer from)

I have found that I take it personally. It drove my realtor insane when I was in the process of selling our home. She would tell me to just let her handle it and let her do her job. But, I couldn’t do that. I had to stage the home, present it in PERFECT condition EVERY time I got a call to view, etc….it made me SICK, just sick all those months. The same thing has happened now, I am completely in panic mode, “What if, What if”……….

I realize that the problem isn’t what if they don’t like the color on the walls, etc… has JUST dawned on me that what it is that I am fearing is the rejection. I fear that if they don’t want to rent the HUMBLE home, then that is a reflection of me, it is my shortcoming. The truth is this, it is what it is….a small, old house that is reasonably priced for someone that is in the right position to utilize it for this stage in their life. SIMPLE isn’t it??

WOW, where did all this come from?? I mean, I was just feeling overloaded….I didn’t mean to find “MEANING” from this…..REALLY, who goes SO far overboard EVERYTHING they do because they are unknowingly reverting back to that lil’ girl that nobody wanted? I can see myself standing in front of my neighbor’s house thinking, why won’t they take me…..I see the day in my mind that I asked my “father figure” if I could stay with him and his wife….I can hear my youth director climbing my case because the “setup” he had me in didn’t go as planned and to his standard….I can see myself sitting at Denny’s all night because I had nowhere to go….I have several more moments that I could recite to you, but the point is……unknowingly, I have been playing out that fear and emotion in other areas of my life.

Seems all that I do, I fear it won’t be good enough. I am not that girl that seeks to please you because I want credit, etc….but because, I want to know that you approve of what I have done, that it was good enough…….I never seem to get away from that feeling that a small child has when he/she has just completed the task that mom has given them to do…they can’t wait to show her, can’t wait to hear those words of encouragement and affirmation as to her love and admiration of the effort, no matter the result.

How does this particular posting end?? I am not sure that this one does…I think that this one doesn’t have resolution. I think it is a work in progress, maybe there is never victory over this plague of rejection…maybe there is? I don’t know at this moment…..I just know this very thing, I am exhausted mentally and lacking spiritually. Again, I wasn’t looking for this “posting” to come my way, I wasn’t outside rubbing the kids play tree for the use of being my muse, lol…….I was just BUSY minding my own business when “IT” dawned on me that I was afraid of being rejected.

THAT aside, I really need this dern house to rent, lol…….I know that God can, if He so chooses, send the right person to rent it. I had it rented to a couple that wasn’t married. YEP, I just said it…I was SO over this junk, that I almost compromised what I know to be a sin. HOW stupid was that??? I tried to justify it, tried to say it wasn’t my business, etc…but I couldn’t get away from it. It was almost as if God just stood back and watched to see how long I was going to consider such. He had almost removed His hand of conviction if that makes sense. He was going to allow me to do the wrong thing. Then, I would have been in hot water. He knows who we need and when we need them……..I know that the whole renting the house thing has nothing to do with my testimony, etc…nothing to do with any sort of encouragement for people to heal from their adversities, etc….BUT, it does show that, although many years later, that same neglected lil’ girl resurfaces every now and then….she’s there I guess as a permanent part of who I am. I don’t allow her to purposely control my life, but I am probably better off to recognize that she does exsist.

The goal now would be to learn how to work with? around? avoid? overlook? I don’t know……maybe I sound like one of those weird split personality people……WOW, I have begun to scare even myself. If you see me with one of those scary Chukky dolls………….RUN ūüôā


#16 Wanna Chat? April 10, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — mackeymoore6 @ 4:01 am

I know that I have been “MIA” for a while.¬†Friends, I simply have not wanted to get ahead of God. I have been taking this offtime to¬†work on my spiritual walk. Well, I wouldn’t fall out of a chair with a shout if I were you. This is me we are talking about here, so whatever spiritual advancement there may have been is more like¬†the old “one step forward/two step back” routine.

I have a child that is obsessed with Bible themed movies. We as a family enjoy taking Friday nights and just watching such and chowin’ on the popcorn, etc….As I have viewed MORE than my fair share of them, I¬†have seen a¬†common element. That element is sin. It seems that almost every favorable character chosen by God, Himself to spread His word…….was SINFUL.

With some of the teaching I have received over the years, legalism has become a huge part of my walk. I struggle with perfectionism naturally and this did nothing for me but enhance my phobia of being perceived as “bad”. I have had this ideal mental picture of what it is to be “spiritual”, I could even name you the couple in which I have come to view as such. Nothing I could ever do seemed to be enough to make me like them. All these nice, sweet, innocent speaking people that are around makes me feel like a huge PUTZ.

As I have seen in these movies, these men and women of God sinned and regularly at that. I swear that David was just plain stupid sometimes. I mean, hello, King Saul had the world at his fingertips and blew it. Sarah jumped the gun. Ruth may have caused undo hardship to herself and her family… point is this, all these heros of the Faith, were just plain screw-ups like me.

It has taken many years for me to realize that it is actually possible that God can use the likes of this girl from the other side of the tracks. I mean, He did providentially spare my life on multiple occasions, He did provide for me when the odds were against me. He did place people in my life to guide me and disciple me in life and sanctification ( yeh, summa them didn’t do that great of a job did they, lol) Why would He have taken such care of such as me? Maybe He had a plan, imagine that, the Creator of this world having a PLAN……….i thought the monkeys were to credit.

What is my point? I don’t know, I just wanted to touch base with ya’ll. I have been waiting and watching, no pun intended. I have come to accept more that I have a purpose and it isn’t shameful in my longing to fulfill it. I have been priviledged¬†as of late to sing for special events and have an upcoming speaking engagement at a local prison. I don’t know where any of this leads, heck most of it probably doesn’t even make sense. But, I know this very¬†thing….last night as I heard the speaker make point of dilligence, steadfastness, etc…for the future,¬† I sat with tears running down my face. He said I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, I was setting a precidence in¬†the life of my babies. He said I needed to keep on keeping on. He said I was a good mom and that my boys are good kids. He said I was doing something right. He said that there was room for screwups like me………Now, did he say all of that? Nope, but the HolySpirit spoke it through that man’s words. It encouraged me, reminded me that I am making a difference in the lives of my children…………I don’t know what any of this was worth, I swear I don’t think I will even proofread it, as I know I will probably want to rearrange and correct the entire posting. So, I will leave it as it is….if it can encourage you to keep on keeping on, may it do so in the Lord’s way and for His glory. I want to be found faithful in all that I do and to Him does the praise belong for it. Thanks for reading, who knows when we’ll “chat” again, but I guess I just needed to talk to you all tonight…